It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
