someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
