do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
