Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
