And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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