even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
