I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
