guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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