my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize