someone get that fucking seahorse.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
