you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
