glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
