just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
