You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
