I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize