so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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