i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
