I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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