Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
