It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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