the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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