where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
