Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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