mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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