can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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