i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
