i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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