So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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