Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
