I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
