I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
