I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
