The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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