trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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