i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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