a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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