I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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