im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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