all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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