Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
