So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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