She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
