Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize