guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
