I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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