Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
