Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
