I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
