The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize