If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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