im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
