I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I party with great urgency now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
