my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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