My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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