i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
