my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
