I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
