I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
