Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
