I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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