$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
