The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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